Friday, January 2, 2009

Nominations: Best YouTube Tech Support

Maybe not. But I just wrote what has to be my personal favorite reply to a technical question so far. And I don't want to risk it being nuked, so I'm going to save it here for as much eternity as we have left.

The post should appear in context at this YouTube address.

If it's missing, or you just don't want to go to YouTube support, read it below the fold.

The post should appear in context at this YouTube address.

On Jan 1, 9:38 pm, anmoose wrote:

> I swear... We live in a society that's completely eaten up with
> instant gratification. If things don't happen two seconds after we
> click a mouse, then it must be broken. Jeez!

> Read up on the word "patience." It used to be a fairly common word.
> Then, if you can figure out how, try exercising a bit of it. In the
> real world, it can take a full day or two for search databases to
> update. Under heavy loads, it might even take three.

Well, I think these newfangled Babbage Engines did a lot to undermine
that whole "patience" concept. Personally I'm calling the War on
Instagrat over with the win totally for the Instas, d00d. ("Instagrat"
-- because Instant Gratification is just WAAAY too much to type in the
Wrld o Lulz).

Be that as it may, and feeling a Burgess Merideth librarian episode
coming on too ... I suggest instead looking up the term "propagation"
because some huge percentage of posts here (of a number that I'm just
too darn impatient to estimate) seem to be about a concept that many
of us Instanauts don't yet fully grasp, but one that will make our
lives all thrills, sparkles and pixie dust, once we do wrap it around
our heads, like a fetching headscarf.

In short, the series of Tubes that is just the YouTube is composed of
not one but many "databases" that I prefer to call magical bit-
piles. A change to one usually sends out an entrancing sparkle of
fairybyte dust that mesmerizes the worker ants and sends out a
pheremone signal to tell them to get their ant butts in gear and come
grab some of these bits, and make some copies (using methods that are
illegal to show in many countries, and most southern states).

The controlling mistress fairy, Lady Latexia, then sends them out to
all the other good little fairy princess anthills, otherwise know by
their cover identities as "databases" -- this "database" is a word
chosen for its magical power to lull most people to sleep or at least
to have them tune in the shopping channel and save the economy while
the magical anthill fairies do their strange and dangerous dances.

Sometimes fairies get lost. Sometimes pirates in Yemen run over a
magical fairy dust trunkline at the bottom of the Straits of the Gaze
and billions of fairies drown in salt water, providing the secret
ingredient for salt water taffy. Sometimes things go along being very
complicated and logical [and then a miracle happens] and then things
are more or less the way you expected them to be a few days ago and
Bruno the memory mopper runs over your head with a tow truck, spilling
memory-muddling salts all over the place. This is where that whole
"sandman" story comes from. And thus all is right in the world.

I hope you've enjoyed this episode of Sister Mary Explains the
Intertubes. I know I have.

Aren't you glad now that you followed below the fold?


  1. Not chiseled in stone, but not bad for an irresponsible bunch of ill behaved adolescent electrons. I joyfully await Sister Mary's explanation of the Outertubes. I brought steak sauce.

  2. Re-reading this, I have to say that it sounds like a script for sXePhil. Anyone know his agent?


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